I imagine 'my business' as a separate entity, and as I continue working through this process, I'm no longer surprised at what I see.
She is out there, angry at me
She's separate and distant, alone and defensive
She wants to be embraced, loved and accepted
But I won't let her close right now and that makes her act in a rebellious way
She lashes out, and then goes away and wonders why she left
And she cries out in frustration
She doesn't know where to turn, who she wants to be when she grows up…
And forget about sexy.
There's not confidence here – simply awkward teenage blundering
Not the shoulders back, walk into a room with a quick answer on your lips expert of the past. The woman who people flock to because she has savvy business answers, a light laugh, a beautiful smile and cheeky flirty jokes.
She wants to hang out with that woman who was able to walk into a room & commanded attention, but didn't care if she ever got it. That woman knew her message was clear & she was confident.
She wonders "Where did she go? When did she leave, for that matter?"
Why won't I let this new fresh business into my life, embrace it, love it accept it. And in asking the question I find the answer (or one answer)
It's the biz that left me lying there on the red carpet in my story yesterday.
The business I loved with all my heart, nurtured, loved, grew with. We had a love affair. And then it turned into a big old co-dependent relationship for many, many years. So many good memories, so many amazing learning experiences, and also sadness. Other people fell in love with us. Other businesses fell in love with us. It was a rollercoaster ride like no other.
And then a great bit HATE affair. So many times I wanted to break up, go our separate ways, begged to be set free so I could write, travel, explore, learn something new, create new businesses, DREAM.
Begged her to fire me!
Begged her to stop weighing me down, breaking me to tears!
All the things we'd originally agreed would be part of "perfectly designed business for me". And then my dear sweet business would give in, and let me travel and explore and grow – and I was in love again. Seminars, mastermind groups, hanging out with amazing people in beautiful locations, create new business plans (even if I often threw them away).
Then one day she stopped. This big powerful business was no longer my best friend and love of my life. She simply put on the brakes and said, "No more! You're not traveling, and exploring and dreaming big dreams and hanging out with amazing people! You have to stay here and be a business owner!" I hated her. Why did she have to change into such a B*tch.
But we didn't officially break up that day and I tangled all the emotions inside, believing it was all my fault (as I often do in any relationship). And I'm stubborn! I wasn't ready to give up. This was my dream, after all. Wasn't it? To be an entrepreneur! I couldn't ever go back to being an employee.
Besides, our support team was gone, the structure we'd built that kept us happy and healthy, useless without the team. We were both alone, and neither of us had the ability to do it without the other. And I'd lost all of my steam.
So I gathered up the little pieces of our relationship that I held so dearly, and said, "Let's go away for a while together. See if we can work things out." And so we did.
Me – contributing in the places where I could (even though I was completely exhausted)
Her – reminding me over and over again how I'd let her down.
Self-doubt, self-worth, identity, trust. So many areas of my life to put back together. And then as time moves on, as with any grief cycle, you begin to see again.
See who you are, separate to the mess you were previously all tangled up in.
See who you are as a separate entity. See yourself with skills, and brains, and savvy and humor and a whole lot of vulnerability. Patient and kind. And trusting.
Analytical and spiritual
Tech geeky and artist
Sad, and sometimes hilarious
Homebody and gypsy wanderer
Navel gazer and BIG dream visionary
I'm a Pisces and maybe this is simply the way I was designed to be. Or maybe it's because I'm from a family of gypsies (shhh… don't tell them I said that)
I'm a woman who loves patent leather red shoes & pretty purses, and also feels completely at home in the mountains, with no 'creature comforts'.
I'm a woman who has been hoping and waiting for the day when she could see what was next for her and this business she loved/hated. To rebuild her structure and foundation, and this time be Free!
Once again, Thank you Alex Baisley for your gentle guidance through this process.
And huge THANK YOU to the Bschool Babes for listening to the petulant teenager who has been hanging out in the forums for the past 8 weeks. I can hardly believe today is graduation day! Wow! What a ride. Bschool Rocks!
And thank you to all of the other amazing people who have become part of my support team this year. You know the saying, "it takes a village to raise a child"? It's the same for business too.
It takes a village to raise a business.
If you'd like, I'll share the story with you of our BIG blow-out. Would you like to hear the "tale of business vs. dreamer"?
Share your stories with me below. Have you been in a love/hate relationship with your business too?